Why so many married couples are sleeping in separate beds - by Ryan W. Miller (USA TODAY) 9 Feb 2020

For many married Americans, nighttime means curling up in a bed shared with their spouse. But a growing trend of couples opting for separate beds may help spouses get better sleep and alleviate marital problems, experts say.

According to a 2017 survey from the National Sleep Foundation, almost one in four married couples sleep in separate beds.

Jill Lankler, a New York clinical psychologist and life coach, says while that number seems high given the stigma that may still exist around separate beds, she's seen more couples open to trying it.

"People are losing sleep. They are waking each other up, and there is this resentment that begins to build in a relationship," she said. "If you don't address that, obviously your relationship is going to suffer, your work suffers. It's this cascade."

Why couples fear sleeping in separate beds

From a practical standpoint, separate beds can benefit quality of sleep. Spouses may work different schedules. One may snore or have restless legs syndrome. And sleep is disrupted. 

However, even if the switch to two beds may be the best solution, many couples still fear the nighttime split, Lankler said.

Asking a couple whether they'd consider separate beds can causes a sort of "catch-22" mentality: Sharing a bed might mean disrupted sleep while sleeping in separate beds could kill intimacy, she said.

Lankler has seen couples work through these fears by having open and honest communication. "There's a very healthy way to do it that enhances communication and enhances freedom in the relationship," she said. "I love the fact that snoring, like everything else in life, is an opportunity to go deeper into love."

From Queen Elizabeth II and Prince Phillip to reports that President Donald Trump and Melania Trump sleep separately, the decision to part at bedtime doesn't mean couples are in trouble, especially if they implement strategies to keep the relationship strong. 

"The ones that work out very well are the ones that have done the work," Lankler said.

'Ships in the night': For some, one bed may be better

However, just because sleeping separately can help with restfulness and communication, it's not for everyone, said Sophie Jacobi-Parisi, a New York attorney at Warshaw Burstein who practices matrimonial and family law.

"It's very easy to be ships in the night when you're trying to live and work and raise kids," Jacobi-Parisi said. "If you don't have any point of contact with your spouse ... it's very easy to lose any sort of sense that you are more than just a co-parenting, working team."

For couples that choose to sleep separately but don't have a conversation around why they are making the change, it can be another step in the path toward divorce, she added.

In some cases she sees, a couple may say they're sleeping separately for a specific reason – a child who can't sleep or a snoring problem – but then stay in two beds without ever revisiting why.

Sleeping together when it isn't working can also be a detriment, she said.

In one case she encountered, a couple shared a bed through their entire divorce proceedings in court. This can be challenging for children, who will get mixed signals, but Jacobi-Parisi said parents know their children best and must make a decision that's specific to them and how they'll react. Being honest with children about the decision is just as important as a spouse, she added.

What about intimacy?

A couple's sex life won't be ruined by sleeping apart any more than it would be by a TV in a shared bedroom, Lankler said.

In fact, sleeping in separate beds can create the opportunity to be more intentional about having a healthy sex life, she said. It can alleviate some of the pressure felt to be intimate when a bed is shared, too.

"You actually get to carve out time," Lankler said. "You get to do it in a way that is intended and not sort of expected."

Jacobi-Parisi agreed, saying a concerted effort is needed not only for intimacy but also things like date night.

Contributing: Mary Bowerman

Editor's note: A version of this story published in 2017.

https://www.usatoday.com/story/news/nation/2020/02/09/separate-beds-married-couples-can-help-relationship-experts-say/4657215002/

...................

Do many couples sleep in separate beds?

Sleep divorce is a new trend and is more common than you think.

The word ‘divorce’ might sound scary to you, especially if you’re enjoying your honeymoon at the moment. Can sleeping in separate beds be bad for marriage? We will find out!

What percent of married couples sleep in separate beds?

Studies find that nearly 40% of couples sleep apart.

And the same studies say that separate beds only make relationships better.

How come? Why married couples should sleep in separate beds?

Let’s find out. Here are the benefits of sleeping separately from your partner.

1. More room to move

So, let’s begin with the fact that we’re all different. Some couples love spooning and cuddling during sleep, and they may even feel comfortable on a standard Queen bed.

However, if you and your spouse prefer to stretch a lot, then even the biggest mattress size might feel uncomfortable for you.

See for yourself:

The width of a King-sized bed is 76 inches. When you divide this number in two, you get 38 inches, which is how wide a Twin bed is! Twin could be an option in guest rooms or trailers, but it may not work as a regular sleeping place for an average adult.

Even if Twin seems big enough for you, consider that your partner doesn’t remain motionless on their side of the bed throughout the night. They might unintentionally occupy your part, leaving you less room for finding a comfortable position.

With that being said, getting a separate bed will allow you to sleep in whichever pose you like, without worrying about accidentally pushing your partner or kicking them out of bed.

“The modern tradition of co-sleeping isn’t that old: it has begun only after the Industrial Revolution, because of the rapid population growth in big cities. And before that, sleeping separately was quite a common thing.”

2. Goldilocks issue

The next reason that may make you want to consider buying separate beds is the difference in mattress preferences. For example, you love more cushioning, and your partner is a fan of a firm bed.
In fact, some mattress manufacturers allow you to solve this issue:

1. by buying a split mattress that consists of two separate, customizable halves;
2. by purchasing a double-sided mattress, where each half has its own firmness and overall feel.

One of these solutions may help you eliminate the difference in preferences; but if your partner is a restless sleeper and you’re a sensitive one, chances are sooner or later you’ll accumulate sleep debt.
Chronic sleep deprivation may pose a lot of threats to your health, such as obesity, hypertension, and even increased risks of a heart attack.

3. Snoring won’t bother you anymore

According to the American Sleep Apnea Association, 90 million Americans suffer from snoring, with half of this number having obstructive sleep apnea.

Both of these conditions require treatment. But the fact is, if you or your partner snore it’s harmful to both.

The measured snoring loudness usually falls in the range between 60 and 90 dB, which is equal to normal talking or the sound of a chainsaw respectively.

And no one wants to sleep next to the working chainsaw.

Thus, sleeping apart can be best if you or your partner is a loud snorer. But note that it should be a temporary solution combined with the treatment of this condition.

“The National Sleep Foundation survey showed that about 26% of respondents lose some sleep due to their partner’s sleeping problems. If your spouse is a loud snorer, you may lose about 49 minutes of sleep per night.”

4. Your sex life might become better

Separate sleeping scares away many young couples who believe that it would adversely affect their intimacy.

But things are quite interesting here:

1. If you’re sleep-deprived, the last thing you want to do is to have sex. Sleep deprivation decreases libido in both men and women and may be the reason why couples might lose interest in each other over time.
2. Proper rest, on the other hand, gives you more energy to turn on the love connection.
3. The last but not the least, you might even become more creative in your romantic fantasies. Sleeping apart may eliminate the feeling of annoyance — which many couples get during the years of sleeping in one bed — and can become the magic potion that recharges your sex life.

After all, kings and queens have done this for ages, so why shouldn’t you?

5. Different chronotype: Problem solved

Marriage changes a lot of things in your daily life, but not your circadian rhythms.
There are two main chronotypes:

1. early birds, or larks — people who tend to wake up early (often at sunrise) and go to bed in early hours (before 10-11 pm);
2. night owls — these individuals usually go to bed at 0 – 1 am and tend to wake up late.

Typically, women are more likely to be larks than men; however, researchers consider that everyone can become a lark in a month, given proper conditions.

Anyway, if your sleeping patterns collide, this can ruin the day for both of you. Even if you try to be quiet and not to wake up your loved one.

In this case, sleeping in separate beds — or even rooms — can be the right solution for the impending sleep crisis.

6. Cooler sleep is better sleep

One more thing to make you consider sleeping apart is your partner’s body temperature. While this can come in handy during colder seasons, you will hardly be excited about cuddling on hot summer nights.

Hot sleeping is more common in women, as some studies report that their core body temperature is slightly higher.

So, what exactly is the problem here?

Well, hot sleeping can lead to sleep disruptions because our body temperature usually drops during the night to allow melatonin production. If it doesn’t happen, you may experience more prolonged sleep onset and even insomnia.

So, if your partner is a hot sleeper and a big hugger, then it may be challenging for both of you. That’s where sleeping separately comes in.

Final word

With all of that being said, it may look like separate sleeping is a universal solution.

Well, not exactly.

Although it can polish some edges in your relationship, sharing a bed remains one of the best ways to get intimate and enjoy the company of each other, especially if you have kids or different working schedules.

Overall, it’s all about what makes you feel happy and comfortable. If you and your loved one don’t have issues with sleeping in one bed, it isn’t necessary to erase this out of your daily life.

https://www.marriage.com/blog/relationship/married-couples-should-sleep-in-separate-beds/

https://archive.is/6jGor