WASHINGTON—Admitting he was blindsided by the hysterical reaction to a
pretty normal transaction, North Carolina Senator Richard Burr wondered
Friday when profiting off mass suffering had suddenly become a crime in
this country.
“Jesus Christ, when did everyone get so uptight about
this? I remember when we used to celebrate people who used their talent
and connections to get rich from death and anguish,” said Burr, who
claimed what he did was no different than what many successful,
patriotic Americans have been doing for hundreds of years.
“Even Tucker
Carlson is being a little bitch about this. What’s the big deal? Didn’t
we all decide this was cool in the 2008 recession? Last time I checked,
using sensitive information to enrich yourself at the expense of
hundreds of millions of other people was totally fine. I talked to Kelly
[Loeffler] and Ron [Johnson] about cashing out, and nobody even batted
an eye. What’s the point of being a senator if you can’t profit off the
world’s problems? I’m making money, not losing it, but I guess jealous
people have decided that becoming rich and powerful from a national
tragedy is suddenly evil. There’s something seriously wrong with this
country.”
At press time, Burr announced his intentions to resign after
shamefully admitting he only pulled in a 22% return from his insider
trading.
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